change, Stephen Covey, Success, Synergy, The 3rd Alternative Solution

Synergy or 3rd Alternative | Dr Stephen Covey’s approach | Where are you from ? | Part 3


1- Egoistic Thinking

2- 2nd alternative thinking

3- You and me, They and we

4- 3rd Alternative thinking

5- Creative non-violence by Mahatma Gandhi

6- Dr. Stephen Covey Miraculous intellectual work

7- life’s most difficult problems like “Identity crises”

8- Making Legal laws is only solution for eradication of racism

9- Rigid paradigms of two-alternative thinking

10- Environmentalists vs developer

11 – The Real identity Theft

12 – People are not things

13 – Falling walls

14 – What is empathy

15 – How we can find our true self or discover myself?

16 – Finding true self or identity by Deepak Chopra

change, Community works, Divorces, Dr. Stephen R.Covey, effectiveness, Intellectual contribution, Leadership, Life Lessons, Management, Mind, Office, Paradigms, Path of Mediocrity, Personal Life, Philosophy, Principle centered, Professionalism, Religious, Self-Help, Success, Synergy, The 3rd Alternative Solution, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Time Management or Diaries, trainings, Uncategorized, Vision, weight loss

Leadership and Management Trainings – an Effective Paradigm

Preface – Is the business leadership subject of Management or it is covering all roles of life of an individual. Are we enough able to develop engaged and committed employees? Or do we see ourselves as great carer or parent? Are we enough self-aware that we are directly or indirectly connected with our cultural and social roots and at the same time we are making significant contribution to our organisation, family, society and the world?

Great author Dr. Stephen R. Covey says;

“I don’t define leadership as becoming CEO. A CEO is no more likely to be a leader than anymore else. I am talking about leading own life, being a leader among your friends, being a leader in your own family”.

These are very important and contemporary questions for contemporary and demanding minds. We are missing definite certain principle based believes-set that would modify our Industrial mind to information or knowledge worker age and it would prepare us against those societal forces, out of which we can choose to respond. We are product our generation-to-generation transferred attitude or we have our own wisdom of freedom to do or meditate against historical standards. I am victim of this lifestyle or thinking pattern because my parents & my family have been nurturing with this environment or we have our own voice that can create great relationships and humanitarian events.

Leadership and management Trainings by Maratib Ali Shad

Leadership and Management Trainings by Maratib Ali Shad

Basically, leadership explain and provide us a new mind-set which provide us a unique paradigm of abundance mentality and freedom to choose our response. We need to cope all modern challenges of life, job, business and rapidly changing societal trends.

Dr. Stephen says,

“The problem of leadership today is that managers are still applying the Industrial Age control model to knowledge workers. They fail to tap into the highest motivations, talents, and genius of their people”.

Inspiring author and Leadership authority, Dr. Stephen R. Covey believes that every human is a unique combination of body, mind, heart and spirit. Each person on this earth has different needs of their living conditions, versatile talent of diverse taste, emotional attachments with natural and unlike things, roles and great voice of spiritual intelligence which guide the person throughout his life. This is so dynamic and great paradigm of human dignity.

Our almost every child and adult are studying in schools and university. But we need to think that did we provide them opportunities to learn effectively foundations of spiritual, moral, cultural and social needs. We have developed lot of engineering miracles and multi-million institutions but our students are lack of understanding of all human needs in reality. Our popular life style has born a generation where we read news; 66% Americans are either overweight or have obesity and similar data we have in other part of the world. Every person is under pressure of unwanted things. They are in pain but they have to live with it. We are building thousands of physical fitness gym, however, side by it, we have less number of leadership development institutions where we can develop such humans who can maintain their body fitness, learn to flourish, passion for excellence and live by conscience in every moment of life.

In this knowledge worker age, people are unable to keep balance in their different roles of life. For example, a productive employee could be very smart Manager to create multi-million dollars ideas to his organisation but that employee could not maintain great relation with their spouse. It could be a worse relationship setback!! They are not even proven caring parent or guardian. Likewise, business or technical professionals could have very unique mental approach for becoming successful entrepreneur or highly skilled worker but they are unable to understand their child’s needs. We need to build leaders to cope it. Dr. Stephen R. Covey said;

“When parents see their children’s problems as opportunities to build the relationship instead of as negative, burdensome irritations, it totally changes the nature of parent-child interaction. When a child comes to them with a problem, instead of thinking, “Oh, no! Not another problem!” their paradigm is, “Here is a great opportunity for me to really help my child and to invest in our leadership.”

This is indeed a great leadership paradigm.

Troubled life is also result of heedlessness of Time Management Principles, to do list is not sufficient and was an old method. Now this age demands new approach and new tool sets of keeping balance all tasks for all roles of life which we choose to plan and do proactive. Furthermore, we need to split our years and months into weeks and days, for all individual roles, based on urgencies and importance factor. Dr. Covey said, once;

“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” (Leadership Paradigm)

A smart business one may have extra substantial possessions but he or she could lack of meaning of life. They are not able to know about purpose of their life and give the ultimate inner satisfaction for their daily works why they should do it. This philosophical approach of thinking is as vital as earning money or other important work. They may need to study sacred literature or have certain links which indoctrinate them for religious or spiritual faiths which can give them direction of life and accountability as they would need.

As “Accountability breeds response-ability.”

On the other hand, Leaders are also so rich people with certain mind-set who can keep balance in their life, you know why? Because they have found their voice of their personal and professional realms and now they inspire other to find their voices and it will inspires millions.

Hence, Professor Stephen R. Covey define Leadership as

“Leadership is communicating to people their worth and potential so clearly that they come to see it in themselves.”

So leadership is real need of today whatever you have the role of your life.

Leaders tend to be trustworthiness along with their competencies. Professional competencies demands new skills, new tool set and unique paradigm under character groom itself.

Character building is a great challenge of today’s world. Failure as personal or professional roles is in result of character weaknesses and our schools and society have been failed to make a trustworthy person. It effect, often, the personal relationships especially with friends and spouses and also in business environment when Manager or CEO involve in affairs and corruption scandals.

“90 percent of all leadership failures are character failures”.

Basically, character is composition of integrity, maturity and abundance mentality whereas competence build through technical knowledge of certain field or industry, conceptual understanding of things and ideas and how to become interdependent to achieve business or work goals. When character meets with competency, wisdom born. Leader than live by wisdom, act under humility and do by courage.

Leaders believe in synergistic team work where 1+1 is not 2 but 11 or more. Where teams in factory unit, offices and homes earn fruits of synergy every moment. They reinforce strengths and ignore the weaknesses of each other. If people have conflicts at work, home and in politics, leaders transform the issues the 3rd alternative solution which is a higher way out of solution provided by each party. Like Dr. Stephen Said,

“Valuing the differences is the essence of synergy the mental, the emotional, the psychological difference between people. And the key to valuing those differences is to realize that all people see the world, not as it, but as they are.”

Today, most of employee are disengaged with organisational priorities. Involvement of employee can be make sure only by directly emotional attachment with core purpose of the project or organisation. Clearly communicated mission and its derived goals are indispensable for happier workers.

No involvement no commitment!

All principle-centred leaders believe in run their roles of life based on mission statement. Their personal mission are integrated with their professional job roles, family and relationships. Goals, weekly and daily tasks are their water under they live. They use modern technology for keeping their Time Management and priorities but do not indulge in it. They are self-manager and carry powerful life driven character oriented values like integrity, trust, humility, trust worthiness, dignity, optimism, synergy and stewardship. They lead their own life with interdependence style of amalgamation of Vision, Discipline, Passion and Conscience.

This world is turning into intense customer oriented. Every individual and organisation are somewhere are customers of each other. Therefore we need to build a mind-set where this customer oriented market can be satisfied and service must be essence of all passion and spirit.

Like Nathan Eldon said once, “Service is the rent we pay for living in this world of ours”.

Leaders have vision of deep thinking and philosophical foundation the way they perceive the world. They believe in people, watch dreams, have idealistic approach, aware of reality, really helpful for everyone and have capacity to think outside the box. Consequently, they are creative and mature enough to achieve their desired life.

Leaders maintain self-discipline because they believe in natural principles and see synergy everywhere in nature. They know that they need to focus on their mission and goals, constantly, independently through continues hard work and competent values with decisive nature. They executive in their business action plan with realistic and achievable approach.

Also, leaders are passionate about what they do, fearlessly. They are enough sensitive to accept every challenge of their life role, self-motivating and have immense courage to launch personal and business initiatives.

Keeping their vision, discipline and passion, leaders also need a lens through which they can accountable itself. They have great sense of right and wrong which burn them from their inside and they listen inner friend’s voice of their conscience, it always push or pull them in every moment of their life whenever they need of it. This little whispering is called conscience and govern all other three component of the whole-person i.e. physical, mental and emotional or social intelligences within a leader.

If an individual could really believe on these intelligences, along with whole roadmap to live on path of greatness, and find his own voice then it can discover a leader inside you, no matter what age level you are.

Dr. Stephen R. Covey says,

“We are a product of neither nature nor nurture; we are a product of choice”.

And that’s Leadership.

So we need to certain training programs that can build minds of our employees, parents, scientists and professionals who can cope and feel difference in this age of complexity and next age of wisdom. These trainings can have spirit to transformation the lives many individuals who can become source of inspiration of thousands of others and then this light spreads on.

Today multi-million industries and brand companies are investing billion pounds to educate on their employees development so that they can be engaged with purpose and operations of the organisation. Government and private organisations are focusing that how they can develop and transform minds of their workers to meet knowledge worker age economy needs and be cradle of inspiration for next business generation.

I believe that leadership developmental programs are voice of this age and is necessary part of every academia, on top. Individuals are getting blessed by virtue of this new mind-set and learn new skill-set to cope every challenge of new time.

Today, core academic discipline like Business Management has comprehended importance of education of Leadership development to graduates and professionals. Thousands of universities and colleges are announcing hundreds of courses, trainings, seminars and certifications for Leadership growth. Multinational organisation and cooperate world need diversity and vision in their management mentors and workforces to be succeeded their business master plans and financial goals. They are in great need of certain mind-set which can renovate their management into truly and dynamic business leaders.

I have shown you a very quick view of importance of leadership development in business, personal and social roles. There are many other dimensions as awakening calls for Managers and emerging individuals who can train themselves with change of successful paradigm that is need of today and we must need to abolish old successful way of thinking pattern because remember;

“ Nothing fails like success”.

Trainings based on leadership improvement packages and individual effectiveness are in fact fundamental function of today business and innovative world. Emerging enterprises and social organisations need networking and transparency in actions of which they want to achieve their collective dreams. Employees of the organisation want to work in healthy environment where they can fulfil their needs of personal and family economics, learn new skills and unleash their potential, emotionally connected with cause of the organisation with synergistic spirit and with definite accountable inner which whisper them either they are doing right and wrong.

“You cannot change the fruit without changing the root”.

Leadership and Management Trainings – an Effective Paradigm – By Maratib Ali Shad – London

Dr. Stephen R.Covey, Leadership, Mind, Office, Personal Life, Professionalism, Self-Help, Social work, Spiritual Intelligence, Success, Synergy, The 3rd Alternative Solution, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Stephen R Covey – Biography

Dr Stephen R   born in 1932. He lives with his wife, Sandra, and their family in Utah; in the Rocky Mountains. Covey achieved international acclaim, and is perhaps best known, for his self-help book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. which was first published by Simon & Schuster in 1989 and has sold around 12 million copies word-wide.

Covey has a Harvard MBA and has spent most of his career at Brigham Young University, where he was professor of organisational behaviour and business management. In addition to his MBA, he also has a doctorate which he completed whilst at Brigham Young University. Dr. Stephen R Covey has received the Thomas More College Medallion for continuing service to humanity and has additionally been awarded four honorary doctorate degrees.

Stephen is also a co-founder of the Franklin-Covey organization, which specialises in the application of Covey’s principle-centred approach to leadership and management. He is widely acknowledged as one of the world’s leading authorities on the subject of time-management. Thousands of organizations across the world, including many of the Fortune 500 companies, have adopted his innovative techniques on leadership, teamwork, and customer-focused service. His best-selling book on time-management, First Things First, co-authored with A. Roger & Rebecca R. Merrill, according to Simon & Schuster is the best-selling time management book ever.

The seven principles he presents in the 7 Habits are not original thoughts – he does not claim to have originated the ideas but simply to have found a framework and a language for articulating the time-less principles embedded into the seven habits. The 7 habits are to be found, he says, in all the major world religions. He believes the principles themselves to be ‘self-evident’, that is, ‘you cannot really argue against them’. His view is that all highly effective people, and enduringly effective organizations, have utilised the 7 habits, to a greater or lesser extent, to sustain their success.

Covey says that the 7 habits are ‘common knowledge’ but, he adds, are not necessarily ‘common practice’. In fact, it could be argued that the habits actually run counter to basic human nature. By our nature, we are reactive creatures and we are inclined to act mainly out of self-interest. But we are also as human beings capable of much higher thoughts and actions and by working hard to internalize the 7 habits we are able to develop a proactive attitude. By so doing, we can take charge of our own destinies and we are capable of exerting influence on other people for the collective good.

by Stephen Covey

Actually I did not invent the seven habits, they are universal principles and most of what I wrote about is just common sense. I am embarrassed when people talk about the Covey Habits, and dislike the idea of being some sort of guru.

Effective leadership is putting first things first. Effective management is discipline, carrying it out.

Every human has four endowments self-awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom… The power to choose, to respond, to change.

I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a “transformer” in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith to be a transforming leader.

In the last analysis, what we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do.

Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall.

Most people struggle with life balance simply because they haven’t paid the price to decide what is really important to them.

Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character.

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

There are three constants in life… change, choice and principles.

We are not animals. We are not a product of what has happened to us in our past. We have the power of choice.

We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.


Community works, Dr. Stephen R.Covey, Leadership, Life Lessons, Mind, Office, Personal Life, Philosophy, Professionalism, Self-Help, Spiritual Intelligence, Success, Synergy, The 3rd Alternative Solution, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Stephen R. Covey Announcement

I cannot live without deep appreciation for Dr. Stephen R. Covey and his team for his series of works based on ‘principle based leadership’ and paradigms. The idea of morality and its association with current modern trends like pure divinity. In this materialistic and greedy environment Dr. Covey is being proven a voice of righteous. He already said, rephrasing, he does not teach or create works and ideas but only God, he is just conveying it. Regards, Maratib

Divorces, Domestic Violence, In-Laws Issues, Leadership, Marriages, Personal Life, Professionalism, Self-Help, Synergy, The 3rd Alternative Solution

Healing the Marriage Life: Tragedy, In-Laws Issues, and the 3rd Alternative Solution

A family is a significant unit of any society. Family is a formal social contract in which a husband of a family and wife take the oath to live with each other with common family interests. Their reasons to be married may be; mutual financial benefits, physical need, religious obligation, children thirst, sharing wealth, home management and a life sharer. Nevertheless, I encourage a marriage couple can be seen in terms of synergy and a source of creating a 3rd alternative life in celebration of their differences or so-called conflicts. Marriage or family is so inter-connected with job and work of a complete person. If it gets disturbed then it will affect on your job eventually. I observed many professionals working and behaving poorly on workplaces are the outcome of stressful family life. Either they have problems or threats to be separated from the spouses or matrimonial annihilation is being undergone. I guess that much multinational cooperation and high ranked organization do consider spouses and children as their sub-employee or give them priority. Human Resource leaders believe that a complete employee cannot be extra-ordinary productive unless she or he would have been successful marital life. Therefore in coming discussion, I’ll unhide core situations in the marriage life.

One of tragedy of the world in every society is ‘divorce’ which is an outcome of serious insurmountable conflicts and counter-arguments from not only husband and wife but also from two different human worlds. A rough idea says that people living in US have divorce rate at critical height of around 50% [i] which means every second American is divorced. One of paradigm associated with these conflicts are the role of in-laws and families for a couple. Influence of parents, parents-in-laws, siblings, relatives, customs of families and social norms play crucial roles in shaking this beautiful relation of husband and wife. Socially, a person’s mind has images of their own childhood experiences, upbringing styles, media interactions, intra-family interventions, academic and professional exposure and it all from attitude of the husband and wife in deciding for difficult problems they facing. Whenever husband and wife perceive differences of each other as conflict and threats for them rather than opportunities to create a 3rd alternative and unique future, they become insecure and defend and start to justify their doings. To giving explanations and arguments become common practice. Hence they assume themselves as victims and live by narrow vision. First alternative opinion of husband clashes with second of wife and hence both go opposite and equal and in large magnitude usually. Generally, a weak Husband is recognized for his low-income, not giving time to wife and children and wife usually mis-perceives him in many situations, in addition, sexual incompatibility, unorganized house keeping and in-laws troubles become front issues. Husband and wife blame and complain each other everyday. The excessive misunderstanding and over-understanding bring lot of complications and ever-lasting fights. These acute tussles become chronic when no husband or wife is able to have sense to solve and think out of box. Both try to find solutions from 1st and 2nd alternatives and not the 3rd alternative. The 3rd alternative solution can be resourcefulness in bringing peace and harmony to every troubling couple. Couple should celebrate their differences and see differences as their unique endowments and not the errors or flaws. They become vulnerable and create negative synergy. Thankless, underestimating and mistrust allow them to feel insecure. Their reservations are their daily agendas and demand ‘do’ something immediately. Any delay or slow response is taken as a doubt. Both do insult, disrespect and hurt each other. In conservative and narrow visionary social settings, wife has very limited role and subjected not to allow any show of liberty, her ‘will’ and doing creative thoughts. Traditional home settings may be dis-empowering woman and husbands take benefit of this tragedy. Gender race is practiced and man usually wins over woman. Society considers a woman as weak, less-esteemed, non-productive, unemployed, less-rich and inferior in intellect than to a man. They assume intellect of a woman is as faulty by birth from nature. These believes and old tool-set followed by husband and in-laws of wife make her very limited and ineffective in a social context. Role of mother-in-law for a couple of play significant role in many cases. Moral, legal, spiritual and intra-family influence of mother of both wife and husband is taken as a threat in privacy, liberty and couple’s goals. Media is exposing many filmy and reality based TV dramas and subjects of movies are being broadcasted in terms of mother-in-laws and in-laws openly. A possessive and emotional wife does not like influence of mother-in-law and vice-versa. This situation gets worse and unaffordable when husband prefers his mother and siblings than of wife and vice-versa. Husband puts conditions of love to his wife for love with his parental family. This insecurity creates negative emotions, jealously and makes her bias in very discussion of parental families. Reactive husbands behave badly sometime in response and this fight continues and divorce looks like only hope of survival. In this condition Dr. Stephen R. Covey says “To solve our most difficult problems, we must radically change our thinking[ii]”.

Most concern stakeholders in result of separation of couple are children. Distorted minds, shattered personalities and psychological weaknesses of such children are their outcomes. As Dr. Covey says:

“Divorce affects more than a million children annually in the United States alone. The data show that children of divorce are more likely to suffer from discipline problems, psychological disturbances, lower academic achievement, and poor health”.[iii]

I know a brilliant but very disappointed and deep teen age boy of 12 who writes very sad poems and share it with others, for the reason of his separated parents. Since he has experienced harsh quarrels between his mother and father since his very childhood that’s why he is now such a boy who posses a tragedy & passive literature in mind all the time.

One of social dilemma of broken marriages is that no side is ready to accept or even listen the truth-slices from other side. In Dr. R. Covey’s opinion, these criticisms are very essential and important in order to get solutions. I know a family in which a semi-disable girl was married and her disability was hidden by her family and not communicated at time of marriage to husband family. After marriage husband soon knew this disability and did second marriage to someone. Husband could not divorce his first defected wife because of three children. On the other hand when she offended small crimes due to very mental illness, a series of quarrels in home was observed for many years. Ultimately, both families of husband and wife blamed each other for it and left each other permanently. Now they are separated because to not accepting reality of disability. Solution lies only within whether they will accept this harsh truth. It is all because of her mental disability was never communicated or admitted in-spite passing of 10 years of marriage. But future of those three children remained unresolved.

Many case show that week communication and misunderstandings between couples cause distressing results. Silence messages are either not understood or totally unintentionally ignored. On some situations both assumes that she or he is understood and it does not need any explanation as it is a common sense. This expectation creates a lot of complications because common sense is not a common practice. It may take several months and years that husband wanted to give quiet messages to his wife and wife never ever could able to understand it. This is also called communication gap. Both do not understand each and assume wrongly or weakly. This gap lasted for long and may cause more complications. Researchers have shown a clear proof that majority of separation of married people are due to weak or poor communication. Either they are uneducated enough to communicate their feelings or prejudice to listen each other. When communication is muted, all types of walls start to rise. In order to fall these walls, an empathic listening is needed. In this common situation Dr. Stephen R. Covey advises ‘First seek to understand then to be understood’[iv]. Actually when husband and wife listen to each other in a way that her feelings become of his and his troubles of her, then a straight line can connect their minds. This line will provide base to look into the partner. If both believe on any solution then they will come on a common. Because conflict is born when other side is not understanding or focusing on rising feeling. Now after empathy both husband and wife are source of love and care for each other and I am sure they will get through what ever the circumstances they would have in background.

Dr. Covey mentions shocking information: “wives and husbands who once had a passion for each other grow cold toward each other. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world, at 40 to 50 percent of all first marriages. Russia is second, with the nations of northern Europe close behind. Even countries with low actual rates (usually because of cultural disapproval of divorce), “emotional separation” is far too prevalent.[v]

Possessive nature is a negative trait and should not be encouraged. Some people take it as signs of love, nevertheless, Person should always believe on sharing and not to block information, not jealousy and let not to bound spouse. This is in result of mind-set of ‘thing-paradigm’. When spouse starts to see his or her spouse as thing, not mind then spouse tries to occupy him or her like matter. When you shop mobile, it means you occupy it because mobile cannot do anything except depends how you treat with mobile and what you want to use mobile in any condition. Similarly when this attitude is transformed with spouses, obviously it is taken against dignity and freedom of man given by God. Conflict and resistance invoke. This resistance sometimes long lasted in such a way that bad consequence is happened, in form of low-trust, high ego and hence both fight or flight. A married couple is supposed to be combination of two mature humans. Human does believe in freedom of every person. In opposite case you will lose spouse or loved one in the end. Abraham Lincoln once said: The surest way to reveal one’s character is not through adversity but by giving them power.

Parents are most important and influencing relations for anyone in this world. After marriage, they also try to influence on couple because they think that they are young and with limited mind for discipline and balancing their lives. In modern era, wife never accepts this type of interferences. It causes tussle and typical in-laws issue invokes. Jealousies, baseless assumptions, wrong paradigms, negative thinking, reactive mind-set, socio-economic problems all are supplementary with it. So she perceives in-laws and mother-in-laws as hard people. Sydney Smith put it in this way

“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes in between them”.

In all dimensions, love of son with her mother and mother’s love toward his son is naturally and appreciable yet wife in many of stances is not able to admit. Hence, wife feels herself unsecured. Because she thinks that her in-laws have started to rule on her husband on account of siblings which will make his relation limited with her. She opines that now she cannot define his love towards husband because of husband family and she gets worried and frustrated. And whenever unintentionally she show this reservation to his husband, in many cases husband do not tolerate and consider this expression, an error in wife and this conflict continue. Ideally, husband should play a role in balancing between his siblings & parents and wife. He should clearly discuss about relations and their important in his life and wife also respond it positively. If wife wants to avoid any in-laws dispute then she should trust and follow her husband. She should see her in-laws with eyes of husband and vice-versa. Because due to bad social weather about in-laws issues, when they will see their in-laws with their bias eyes and less-information and weak vision, both could create new and traditional disputes time and again throughout life. For this I believe, both husband and wife should believe on realities and try to educate each other about their parental families in realistic way so that both should understand it without any negative or opposite comments.

In many part of world wife is mostly victim and oppressed. Societies of India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, China, and Korea have limited but important role of wife. In UK, USA and European countries, wives have all legal, social, work liberty and woman rights. In my view both sides are on extreme. Actually, both sides want to use women in their self-driven cultural context and hence both believe on restriction and liberty respectively. An ideal or good husband judges these differences and treats with his wife with different and creative thinking. He takes his wife in a different and unique one and let her to be apart from reactive culture. He wants to have a different set of believe and concept of greater family which will have quality and greater thoughts and acts beyond social paradigms. As far building a new and great family, they believe on unbiased approach, love for all and hate for none, power of initiatives to make strong relations with others and vision-based family life. They try to live and create such a harmless culture that they can able to practice an ideal life. This type of creative family is believe on empathic listening and also mission oriented life like a professional team and believes on synergy such as one plus one is eleven or even more. Husband and wife should celebrate their different thoughts, by mixing them and practicing them as creative and new things. They get beyond-expectation results in short time, huge lovely passion and also creative children. This is a success and voice of real family of this modern age.

In many of case ego does play a negative role in separation. Ego increases when trust decreases. Since husband and wife have the problem of low-trust than their inner pull let other spouse stay far away. At this position, not-sharing, dis-empowering, domestic violence and reckless behaviors are the results. Both wait to see each other to be initiative to shake hand and say sorry. If this sorry takes longer time then clashes get severe and more complex. I believe on stay ahead and take initiative to make high needs, only vision with less power. We create, mostly of quarrels due to ego and not to say sorry first. There should not be any harm or feeling inferior in accepting mistake first. This is dignity of man to show humility and down-to-earth.

In many societies, on account of gender race husbands and wives make clashes and show their superior gender differences. Superior or strong male and inferior or weak female are the continue fight and rigid paradigm in every society. I cannot say those women are like this. I admit woman are more emotional , sensitive, materialistic and in less-technical how know, beauty conscious, talkative, get jealous quickly, do comparison people and situations more frequently than that of men. Yet they are very fragile, agile, kind-hearted, beautiful, organizers, caring, and polite, great caring in hospitality at home than men. I feel that these characteristics should not only associate with men in generally rather than both man and woman are human beings, is the right paradigm and both are superior and have equal rights. Only wrong or bad doings and positive thoughts should make them superior or greater to each other. When husband and wife quarrels each other than their point of taunts and clashes are the gender prejudices also. We also need to see each other, beyond gender descriptions and see only as unique humans as wives do. As we are experiencing that woman are playing and show equal level of professionalism as men in every walk of life around the world today.

Low trust and distrust nature of spouses are bigger problems of marriage life. They find illegal and unfair social relation with opposite sex. Sharing bed, privacy and bad characteristics compel them to get either enmity and ask them for divorce. Extra marital relations based stories and media movies are products of this aspect of life. A true husband or loyal wife both can be betrayed, nevertheless, whole-hearted couple and ideal spouse die on each other at any time.

Conditional love is also source of dispute between husband wives. In this world, generally all wives love their husband because husbands love their wives and vice-versa. Because wives care children and their parental family therefore I love my wife. Because my husband love my parents and siblings and belonging that’s why I love my husband and because both have mutual conditional benefits that’s why both loves each other. This conditional love never lasted for long. Because true love always without conditions. Unconditional love of a father and mother towards his or her child is a bright example. Reality of this world shows that no wife and husband can fulfill expectations of each other. Hence love decreases. And it can lead a relation into parts.

Financial insecurity has been proved so far an increase of 4.5% divorces in UK year 2010. Psychologists observed that most of the root causes of quarrels between husband and wife due to low financial status. That’s why to live peaceful marriage life, career settlement and regular sources of income are words of mouth. Some people think that conflicts among couple belonging to elite and aristocratic social classes are very less. I believe that it should not a standard but only one of good reason to live peaceful married life. It is because of global financial stress is affecting almost every country and their social rest are getting at high risk. Rate of unemployment, robberies and corruption are their upshots. Therefore high rate of divorces are happening.

Big differences between families’ norms and customs commonly cause unrest for couples and also in-laws. Every established family may have different set of believes and way of understandings about role of husband and wives. When couple get marriage in out-of- family, chances of conflicts and low-trust are more than marriages in same-families, because people are very stick to their set-criterion, conservative and fix terms. Today, people have low temperament, aggression and high intolerance. People do not respect other differences and perceive as threats to their own self-made principles and social mirrors, hence, Parents-in-laws try to mold their wives mostly according to their own ways. Mostly self-esteem and sensitive wives refuse to live under pressure of in-laws and resistance rises. Rather than wives feel proud of their own parental family’s life styles, affiliation and good or bad traditions and they also want to continue it even in their joint in-laws home and it is taken as threat. Results sometimes are very negative in most of the cases. Again due to spirit of respect and lack of democratic approach, these situations make a married woman in very pathetic state. Family norms of both sides collide with each other and disturb so badly the relation of husband and wife. Wise husbands can be proved very resourceful in saving relationships and both families. Sometimes husband is able to evaluate his parental family and himself and his wife & her parental family without any prejudice. He handles the issues one by one and systematically like a goal. He talks to his wife and her parental family with care, love, compassion, logic and problems are patched-up.

High percentages of couple want to live in their own home separately and not with parents. Same like, gap between old parents and young couple increases and also wall rises throughout rest of life. This irony is biggest tragedy of last twentieth century, in my views. Clashes and generation gap cause psychological and social anxiety. When parents are separated from their married children, it is really emotional and sensitive on-going reality all the time in every corner of the world.

I have observed many couple taking their spouses as ‘thing’, not ‘mind’. Basically a human intellect is the function of mind. When opposite spouse start to treat you like he or she does not either trust on your thinking capacity and wants to only order and control the spouse, then a heavy resistance is seen in form of abusive and violent behavior. A person always wants to be understood because of that he or she considers himself or herself as mind whatever mental capacity or level is. This ‘thing’ paradigm is often seen not only in home life but also on work places. Basically in assessment of Dr. R. Covey ‘thing paradigm’ was an old approach, adopted in Industrial age. When a boss controls his employees like things that’s why negative culture is formed in office. On the other hand, ‘mind’ paradigm is more advanced and need of current information/knowledge worker age, in which a boss see his employee as mind and proactive and love culture are built. Similarly, a couple should respect each other in such a way that both admit their potential and always expect a creative and different and unique responses because creativity invites a mind to think out of the box and creative solution is the feature of people having unique intellect especially who believe to be different because of the 3rd alternative approach and four intelligences of body, mind, heart and spirit, as Dr. R. Covey let others to focus on it in his many books. As Drucker compares both ages like this:

The most valuable assets of a 20th-century company were its production equipment. The most valuable asset of a 21st– institution, whether business or non-business, will be its knowledge workers and their productivity[vi].

When girl and boy friends are succeeded in making marriages, a set of expectations after marriage and before is very different and unmanageable sometimes. Because of affiliated with different in-laws, financial needs, sexual balancing and children creation, marriage life have been proved very different experience for many married people. Love-marriages are commonly perceived as ‘fail marriages’ as compared to ‘arranged-marriages’. Because in love-marriage both husband and wife are willingly involved by heart unlike in arranged-marriage parents and siblings from both sides choose to bring bride and groom into their families. In trouble times, both type of marriage, solutions may be different. Because in arranged-marriage, severe quarrels between couple are resolved by involvement of both parental families successfully, unlike in love-marriage, no positive involvement from families is commonly seen for patch-up the relations. This is also tragedy because couples need to counsel themselves. Therefore love-marriages do fail due to societal attitude and also weak characters of husband and wife. In any case solution lies in the 3rd alternative and creative way of thinking for husband and wife to get a creative solution which was never existed before. Believe on one plus one is equal to eleven leads a unique couple into world of all possibilities as author Dr. R. Covey suggests best solution of most difficult problems of family life in his fresh book the 3rd alternative, Sept 2011. He forward a quote “where there is joy, there is creation” (_The Upanishads)[vii].

My source of inspiration in solving conflict management is also 3rd alternative. Because every person is unique and important, they should be respected and their different opinions and differences are sources to practice positive synergy. I strong suggest the reader to read new book of Dr. Stephen R. Covey: ‘The 3rd Alternative Solution’ for understanding problems and solutions of family life. Combination of different minds in creative ways of husbands, wives, in-laws and sibling can bring amazing and influential peaceful results in the families and hence whole society will be blessed and get influenced gradually. I inspire by God’s one of saying to mankind, ‘They (wives) are clothing (covering) for you and you for them….”[viii].

[ii] P-6, The 3rd Alternative, Dr. Stephen R. Covey, 2011

[iii] Alison Clarke-Stewart and Cornelia Brentano, Divorce: Causes and Consequences (New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 2007), 108.

[v] The 3rd alternative, solving life’s most difficult problems p-155

[vi] Drucker, Peter F., Management Challenges for the 21st Century (New York: Harper

Business, 1999), p. 135.

[vii] The 3rd Alternative, Dr. Stephen R. Covey, 2011

[viii] Quran Chapter 2, Verse 187