Synergy is miracle
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Synergy is a paradigm to rule on present to reshape your future

Many people related synergy with coherence of similarities between two same objects or minds in such a way there never be conflicts between them. It is quite misunderstood concept. Actually opposite is true. I can define briefly as :

Synergy is a phenomenon in which more than one objects, minds meet and combine together with different capabilities to form organic bonding so new creative results are formed. These results cannot be seen by unilateral or bilateral way of thinking as traditional two parties or two persons try to discuss or find solution of problem or issue”.

In corporate world usually synergy is referred as results of combine efforts of a team which is fine understanding. However, spirit behind synergistic vision is missing. As we seen that sometime team tend to focus on weaknesses of each other rather than strengths. Therefore, desired results we don’t get in the actual reality. Managers and Director of the departments or functions within an organisation must familiar with true spirit of synergy and its science. Organisational main goals should be aligned with intra-departmental goals and these goals cannot be achieved unless employees within department are not push to unleash their potentials.

Synergy at Business

There is no doubt that individual performances are also significant and sometime single individuals are so effective and productive for the whole company in such a way his or her moral and formal authority cannot be underestimated at any stage of timeline of the achievements of the company. However, If these individuals are connected to build synergistic teams than results can be enormous and unlimited. Because In process of synergy when different employees with difference background and diverse strengths meet and work together than their outcome is unlimited than expected. In synergy, 1+1 is either 11 or 111 or unlimited. For example, if you see giant cooperate and financial success of Apple whose annual turn over is more than Trillion dollars in such a small span of time in few decade. Their internal administrative, management and recruitment are fully equipped with diverse staff’s capabilities with synergistic bondings.

If you have hired ten sales staff for your products or service, they are brought to work as team , manager will focus on individual strengths in aligned with team goals. Sales targets does not depend on recruitment criteria but on each members values aligned with main goals of the team. I worked in large transport company in London whose management does not believe or aware about virtues of working as synergistic teams. Therefore, inspite of working from last 20 years, they annual turn over and fleet were remain same in numbers, each year, without any betterment in any department. They just get normal or mediocre results , not the great.

On the other hand, I used to work in prestige university with top professors as my senior colleagues. Our department hired a synergistic Boss who transformed the whole culture of the department in the university. He was a leader of choice and provide opportunities to everyone to grow as he or she wanted. Introducing new way of administrative practice also inspired other departments to change them too. I took number of initiative in his leadership. Even though I realised my immense potential in his leadership. The reason why we all start to work with spirit of synergy. My annual appraisal as employee was over 95% as same like my other fellows. Even though we had weaknesses in each as individuals but they became irrelevant as what we were achieving. Infact my professional career transformed during working with him. I remember the definition of leadership as

“The leader is the one dynamic person who inspired others to find their voices and it goes on”

Mechanical Synergy among machines

In order to understand Synergy as whole phenomena of creation of our worlds, we need to consider synergistic process everywhere around us. Digital & electronic revolution, Human miraculous physiology, formation of urban cities, natural environmental landscapes, cosmological formation etc, are examples of synergy. Synergy is a miracle ! indeed ! Don’t you see and stares how nature is producing results with greater degrees. One object or mind such as peripheral or living things meeth with others to create something amazing.

A perfect garden (orchid) is a combination of plants, trees, flowers, grass, gardeners energy, is synergy.

Apple is world No. 1 revenue generated company in entire world, is perfect example of synergists ; teams, devices, admin & management, sales & management, innovation and development of its products, service to the public.

When two person meets physically and with mental harmony to produce miraculous birth of baby who have combine genes of both parent, is ultimate example of synergy. Strength and impact of a child, upon environment and importance for parents is much more greater result than process of fertility. It is 1+1 equal to 111. Child is your 111 result .

Don’t you look inside your formation and working of own body parts, organs, plan of working together with synergistic spirit, designed by God, all is very powerful and live illustration of synergy.

Formation of a family in the society and its nurturing has significant role in the history of civilisation. When husband and wife live and plan their future to form family in such a way that they will practice empathy, creative cooperation, being proactive, for not only upbringing of their offsprings but for themselves. Prosperity and stability and lifelong success of husband wife lies in their own success by practice of process of synergy in daily life events. It covers their morning and evening rituals to strengthen their family via felt-synergy. If they have any conflicts and matter of ego, they resolve it by 3rd alternative. Their children upbringing is result of both parent’s genes and dedicated thoughts for their children. Their child is also exhibiting highest performance than expected or other children of the society. These couples have firmly believe on synergy and they stick with patience, empathy and habits of put first things first.

Baby is miracle in great example of synergy of parents

Actually, third alternative thinkers can proved great marriage counsellor for saving marriage of thousands willing couples in the society. Their strategy to save marriage is by drifting attention of both partners towards higher way, rather than my and your way, thinking pattern. Husband and wife self-utterances, unsaid messages, unfelt feelings all are well communicated in this process of matrimonial synergy. Both decides to approach third way of thinking which will produce results one plus one is equal to 11 or greater. The degree of honesty will decide their prospect future along with children. Lessons to follow process of synergy must be fundamental and as important as their matrimonial civil oath.

Failed marriages can be cured by empathy only. Empathy is integral part of synergistic relationship. Both husband and wife do misunderstood each other and also do not want to admit their weaknesses. In synergy both take slices of truth to understand actual each other’s position. They experience each other from entirely different paradigm. This is greatest victory of their life via synergy. No therapy and nothing can heal their life in creative way in such a way that their future life is absolutely a brand new life and totally different from their past. It is of course due to that their paradigms have been transformed by process of synergy. They , now, do not stereotype and dictate each other because they are on road of success i.e. higher way as Dr. Stephen Covey say, its not my way , not your way, its higher way.

saving the marriages

In corporate business world, paradigm of synergy is a great believe system of Managers and Directors for achieving higher productivity. The reason why when teams and departments intersect each other in the way they respect and reinforce agenda and functions aligned with organisational goals than miracle happens. Today we hear hundreds of global popular brands who has transformed all countries, cultures and corporate worlds everywhere. We never knew them 20-30 years ago and now they are global reality and part of our productive life everywhere. This is of course due to synergistic untidy work their companies have done under leadership of founders of their brands and in liason of their team with spirit of practices of believing in 3rd alternative way of life. One of great benefits of being synergistic that we turn authoritative leadership style into information knowledge worker age, in which People are minds and machinery are objects. You can achieve unlimited results by nurturing of minds as opposite of objects & machines to have limitations.

The method of synergistic process is described in Dr. Stephen Covey book “The 3rd alternative” it is four steps systematic process to enter into world of unlimited achievements and success. These steps are including:

  1. Show willingness to find a 3rd alternative
  2. Define what success looks like to everyone
  3. Experiment with solution until you
  4. arrive at synergy
Process of Synergy by Dr. Stephen R Covey

The relationship between Manager and the employee is very tense in modern world and it does impact on performance and yields. There is dilemma of disloyal on both sides. Both do no trust each other and try to hide information and concentrate on non-verbal contract on piece of paper just with very limited and tied expectations. You cannot yield without open doors of trust and being agent of creative cooperation under philosophy of ‘Think Win-Win”. It is responsibility of the Boss to unleash potential of the employee by winning their hearts and unleashing mental intelligence for achieve departmental desired results. Boss is not boss with employee but a synergistic leader who avail and give opportunities surround him or her. I understand there are walls and define lines among team members in professional environment but these walls can suppress the potential and grip the minds to get limited results and slow pace progress , however, opposite is true and can be achieved. At the same time, employee must not work for only standard job description, he or she can work out of the way for growth and enhanced performance of their department of the organisation. I witness immense opportunities for those people who work beyond the secretarial or technical role. You actually attract next level when you do beyond your role and that is only possible when line-manager and employee open spaces for each other. They make each other weaknesses as irrelevant and create a unique cooperation to get immense benefits for all.

3rd alternative or synergy can be impact very positive in reign of politics in any country. For example, we see political segments in United Kingdom between Conservative and the Labour, In United States of America between The Democratic party and The Republicans, In Pakistan, Pakistan Muslim League and the Pakistan Tehreek Insaaf and in India Congress and the Bhartia Janta Party etc. and so on. All these popular mainstream parties of their countries have some strengths and lot of gaps in terms of solution of problems of their nations. One part can never fix all or most of them. Each part must be considered as a mind in continuous conversation with opposite parts with empathy. Both parties must understand and appreciate each other points and not to political point scoring against each others. Parliament must play a role of discuss and constructive results of both party’s point of view. After that they need to move forward to seek the 3rd alternative solution , the higher way. After this discovery, and approval from the parliament must go for other agency to implement in the state. I believe this simple achievable process should be initiated by their top leaders and they need to spread its awareness. We can see few decade before democracy was only practice in few countries, but gradually virtues of democracy spread and inspired other countries and nations until now where more than 90% population select their rulers by democracy. And this age of wisdom and information worker age where new ideas and creative or productive practices can spread and communicate rapidly.

3rd Alternative in Society & Politics

I firmly believe that Dr. Stephen Covey’s greatest idea of the 3rd alternative must be part of academia and where there we can apply in our personal, family and professional life. Hence, on political and social level it will spread life fire in the Jungle.

Next age is age of synergy under age of Wisdom following by Information knowledge worker age. Are you ready ?

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Identify key Roles and Relationships of Life

Once you build your Personal Mission Statement, you are set on path of greatness and now depend how much you are stuck with it and live by it.

Next step after development mission statement, you need to identify key and important people and functions in your life.

Remember that balance life is key of successful life. We need to keep balance in all roles. It is also greatest challenge of modern world. Management Guru Stephen R. Covey says:

“Many people seem to think that success in one area can compensate for failure in other areas. But can it really? True effectiveness requires balance”.

Do you have idea how you can know about vital people and contribution of your life? Just think!!

Let me tell you now.

Referring to previous exercise of celebrating 80th birthday and you had imagined those people around you, are really important relations. After thinking those people you can now imagine key areas of your life and that each area will be key role of your life.

For example, on 80th birthday people would be children, spouse, colleagues, community workers etc. Suppose Sarah and Adam are two supposed individuals who are keen to change their life and do something extra ordinary.

Roles of Life

Roles of Life

now their roles will be:

1. Adam as Husband

or Sarah as Wife

2. Adam as Father

or Sarah as Mother

3.  Adam as Director

or Sarah as Assistant

4. Adam as community worker

or Sarah as Designer

5. Adam as sportsman

or Sarah as sport lady

6. Adam/Sarah as Student

7. Adam/Sarah as Friend

so on.

Usually, you can choose 5-7 key roles, around which your life should be circulating with.

However, in my opinion above mention roles are very traditional and look ordinary. Ideally ordinary. is not?

This step will make each role very special in your life.

For example, if you have identifying husband or wife, you can give new title As Caring partner.

Let’s try to give new and extra-ordinary titles to above supposed roles:

1. Adam as Hubby (Husband)

Sarah as best friend ( Wife)

2. Adam as DAD (Father)

or Sarah as Mom (Mother)

3. Adam as Catalyst for Change (Director)

or Sarah as great department supporter ( Assistant)

4. Adam as great humanistic leader (community worker)

or Sarah as creative art lover (designer)

5. Adam as super sportsman (Footballer)

or Sarah as fitness expert (sports lady)

6. Adam/Sarah as keen Learner (student)

7. Adam/Sarah as Empathic listener (Friend)

Congratulation! you have learn how to develop key roles of your life.

Remember, that all these role(s) and people should be in your imagination when you would celebrate your 80th birthday and also these roles may also be involved in your personal mission statement. ideally your mission statement should have indicated your roles of life.

You can also interpret these roles and can write your own definitions because it is your life. you can ask several question to yourself and write their answer on your diary.

Q1.  What is this role meaning in the life?

Q2. Why this role is important for me?

You must have unique roles as your life is unique. In this world you are really different person and you need to define your role(s).


Now you will be have more control on your life and will also resolve the problem like work-Life balance.

If you are facing difficulty in assigning different roles of your life. You can fill out the following quick form and I will try to answer you as soon as possible.

In next article, I will discuss with you about goal settings of your life which is very crucial for your life. Please be remembered this article and video demonstration are part of series of “How to live by Effective Time Management Principles”.

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Personal Mission Statement, Let’s build

People and business professionals are struggling to maintain their all daily to-do list, tasks, emails and correspondences related to personal, family, Team, clients, community, projects, staff and associates. of course everyone is following some of time management formulas.  which are not really source of their contentment. Effective Time Management is one of greatest challenges of today’s world where everybody is extremely busy to meet daily, weekly and monthly need of time but they are not really happy and at the end of day, they show as lethargic and with low motivation for their next day.



It means that majority of people living today is without purpose of life that’s why they are not excited for their tomorrow.

But good news is that we can meet this challenge with most effective time management principle.

Before telling you Effective Time Management skills for 100% fulfilling promise for every need, work and role of your life you need to build your own life and very personal Mission Statement. This is one of the greatest step of a leader’s life. You are the own leader of your life. You need to prove it.

Personal Mission Statmetn

Personal Mission statement

To think and write mission statement is one of fundamental personal initiative of any successful individual. Here I am not going to tell you write mission statement for your family, team and organisation but only for your very personal and secret life.

Personal mission statement is your life constitution which will drive you in entire course of your life successfully and with greatest satisfaction and contentment. It will make you master of your life. Because you have decided to create and design your own life course with own wishes, thoughts and priorities.

Personal mission statement belongs to your spiritual intelligence and give your really purpose and meaning of your life for your ultimately gratification.

Dr. Stephen R. Covey says:

All things are created twice. There’s a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation to all things.

Are you read to build and write it? hmmm?

Let’s go.

Right from the beginning, please buy or arrange your personal calendar diary from any local store (in case if you do not have), also arrange pen and notepad for draft and rough notes.

Make sure that you are sitting now in very peaceful environment and this moment is that best time when your energy of the day is maximum. Some people feel very pleasant at Dawn or in early in the morning, or sitting in the garden or library. This session should take couple of hours of your life but very important because you are going to create your own destiny and you have decided that you are going to live your own life rather than becoming cultural software and product of circumstances. is it?

Now, put on side every thing and close your eyes and imagine you are celebrating your 80th birthday and every important person in your life is around you. They are praising you. These people could be your children, grandchildren, spouse, colleagues, brothers, sisters, friends, relatives, business associates, neighbours, students and community or religious bodies. Imagine now, you are sharing milestones of your life with them. You are sharing your life achievements, your worthy experiences, conclusions, principles, values under you lived by, your successful journey and quality of thoughts and life.

Similarly, in further imagine on the same day, all people around you, are praising you and acknowledging your character, competencies and your life achievements and they are saying that you have been….. like this ….and this……., throughout your life ….and you were…. and are….. and will be as ….. (write here what do you wish to say about your on that day and write it…)

and now open your eyes and write the following three questions:

Question 1: What are list of achievements, goals, experiences, values, executed-plans and milestone you would be sharing with all people around you on that day?

Question 2: What do you want to listen from people around you? what should they be saying about you on that very day?

Question 3: What legacy do you want to leg-behind to the people after your life?

Question 4: What values you would be live by throughout in your life (from now to onward)?

Well-done! you are set on the journey to create your dream life.

Now next step are to think about couple of aspect of your important life and also write the answers of following questions:

Question 5: Identify one or two persons who have impact on your thoughts and life positively? How did that person(s) have influenced your life, in what aspects what values you took from this person and why you admire him most?


You need now to review what you have written on your notepad. You can circle, key ideas and key people within these question.

One important thing that mission statement could by half of page, few solid lines, more pages, a poem and an inspirational text or manifestation script or else. Its your own life you can choose in your own way. Hurrah!

Remember, this statement is like a seed of your life which will turn into powerful mature tree with fruits.

This is a rough draft of your personal mission statement which is not final yet. Now spend more quality time next few days with this draft until week finish and you continue to work on it. This brainstorming is extremely important. You can add or delete some points, key people, roles, achievements as you need. After few days you will see you do not need to add or delete anything more.

That is your Final mission statement. Congratulation!!!!

Happy and complete life through personal mission statement

Happy and complete life through personal mission statement

Amazing thing you created in your life!!! Awesome

Now you can transfer this statement to your personal and secret diary and you can also note it digitally.

What if you want to change it later, after few weeks or months?

Don’t worry, you can change it anytime. Because change means growth. Because successful life is very dynamic and many new things, roles and challenges come you can add or remove later.

Ideally, you can review it after ever month and you many ask yourself that is that mission statement is truly representing myself what I am going with and what I want to achieve and live by eventually?

If you heart solid answer YES from your inside and then there should be time of celebration!

This is personal mission statement of your life and live by it and inspire others.

Be remember that power of this mission statement depend on how you are sincere and give it quality time and you work on it.

After this I will be discussing with you how we can derive roles of our life and then goals of life in next steps.

Note: Please note that article is in connection with the series ” How to live by effective Time Management Principles”.

If you need any help to build your personal life mission statement and have any question. You can discuss with me and fill the following short form. I will contact you as son.


Emotional or Social Intelligence, Leadership, Life Lessons, Marriages, Mind, Paradigms, Personal Life, Professionalism

Nurturing and Childhood experiences

Childhood experiences starts right from mother’s wombs. Environmental, psychological, social and sentimental effects on mother directly transfer to the baby and store in genes or unopened- memory spaces of mind.

A child rapidly absorbs surroundings till 3-4 years of age. These all negative or positive stored-emotions COME OUT OR EXPRESS in form of good or bad behaviour, later, in any stage of man or woman’s life, usually 20-40 years.

Studies also shows that professional failure or success or any life conscious decisions are also influenced (badly or good) by those childhood unconscious experiences.

Therefore, nurturing and childhood even before delivery, is extremely important for children and hence for whole family and then society.

childhood is so important

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Signs to be on Path-of-Mediocrity or Failure

In today’s world, everyone is running after success. They do not want to lose, yet they are eager to

You can be at one path either Greatness or Mediocrity (Failure)

Path of Mediocrity

find methods and shorter and longer techniques to achieve success. In this scarcity world, most of people are not successful because their adopted wrong methods to achieve it. Sometimes, they can see and feel their desired positions and dreams, however, they do not know ideal methods how to execute them and get 100% results. They become reactive and lethargic for achieving those things which can get by only following principles and natural laws. If they get some little wins but they could not sustained. In developed corporate world, people are frustrated to cope their challenges even they cannot count them on fingers, either they have too many ambitions or no. They are lost on their ways. They never could not found their voices. They are noise or part of it. Their own voices are lost and even they do not listen or care other. People are furious about their state of minds. They try to share itself but do not have courage to share with other. They are cowardice. They are non-shared and have limited vision. They want to upgrade it but do not know how and hence they are trapped by negative energies and unreal thoughts which deviate them from path of success.  One of their phobia is they do resist any change in life, hence they life and believes are not dynamic.

People have different perceptions about concepts of success. Since their paradigms and perspectives in same situations are different therefore their definitions are different. Regretfully, they do not even listen to their understanding of success. New ages are in progression but these conflicts and trends are increasing. I am wondering that why people do not listen other. Boss, Secretary, Manager, Director, Spouses, Environmentalists, Labors, politician and professionals, all have lost their voices. They are shouting on each other. Societies are lost and their legacy is no longer with them. People do not know what is empathy mean actually. They do not feel for learning.
As far their conscience turn into ego, they lost their trust on people and systems. They have no or doubtful faith on God spiritually. They install heavy packet of envy and Jealousy in their hearts because of inferior complex and egoistic.  Their passions are reflections of social mirrors. They do what ever people are doing and following. They are eyes sees as eyes of other. They are undisciplined and backward cultured. Their vision is limiting believes and not-shared. Their bodies become their own masters and lusty. At the end, they are set-on path of failure or straitjacket.
Their values of not their rather values of other people. Their approach of living is Outside-In. They become happy when they are treated well and vice-versa:

  • I am working for most ungrateful owner of the house who never appreciate my service.
  • I work full-time, I do regular visit Mosque or Church and have many friends but i am alone.
  • I have consulted many people and learned many courses, none of single can fulfill me.
  • I am not paid well yet i am working hard to impress other to increase it.
  • Do not under-estimate my spiritual believes they are very dearer to me.
  • My subordinates are not loyal as i pay and give them more incentives, i am losing my customers and company prestige.
  • My mother-in-law is very authoritative and she criticizes me and i have not relationship with her but pieces of gravels.
  • I am fed-up of financial and social injustice, i am organizing protest in front of parliament.
  • I would provide all necessities to my children even I am unprivileged.
  • My husband and wife have very complicated relation, either one of us can quit it.
  • this world is going to end and my goals are unfulfilled.

These are some little glimpses of general people yet they are wondering for their solutions. I have deep feelings with them. I am compassionate with them.

I believe that there is path of principles and rules of productivity that bring abundance mentality to people for solution of their problems.

I would like to share with you those secrets which have brought changes in the lives countless individuals, teams and organizations. In near future, I would be sharing those basic habits, principles and process of sequences and development which will guide to find your voice. Have you thought that you choose to deviate from path of mediocrity!!!

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Paradigms are so powerful for change – Lets work it.

I often think about different behaviors of people in identical situations and I could never understand until I went through Human behavioral lessons from Prof. Stephen R. Covey. Basically, all people do behave in SEE-DO-GET pattern, it means what people get depend on what they do and what they do depends on how they see the world. That very ‘see’ describes people mental images inside mind covered by brain and are called ‘Paradigms’, intentionally, I discover causes of people

Paradigms are so powerful to change, title image.

Paradigms are so powerful to change, title image.

doing different things in same situations. Every individual behaves and think because of their paradigms, what the meanings this person has defined in their mind. Usually, paradigms are build from childhood and throughout the conscious life. Greater the degree of maturity inside the brain of a person to understand the events and people behaviors, mature and reality based paradigms will be. I am not teaching you psychology lessons but only general understanding which will help you reshape your personal and professional life if you are looking for any turn or solution or break through. People perform actions(play roles) at home , office and in society, all depends on what and which thinking patterns they have in their minds within which they associate good or bad meanings and it all makes their personality. For example, if a newly hired employee could have meanings in the mind about supervisor as typical ‘Boss’ who orders and never listen ‘No’ from subordinates, then it might make employee insecure and suppressed. Because of past bad experiences or negative images about a ‘boss’ usually come from media or society throughout life, hence this thinking pattern will always stay walls between boss and that very employee.  These walls can never be laid down unless employees start to work on their paradigms. In same manner, when supervisors treat their employees as machines and never allow to think and use their own initiative will and give freedom to them, Boss has also wrong paradigms about their assistants or secretaries or subordinates. Because higher position holders in an organization may think that what employee are nothing just ‘a body to follow, obey and act’. It’s very traditional attitude and belongs to earlier Industrial mind-set. So a typical wall, between not only boss and employee but also all people, would become bigger and distant. Dr. Stephen R. Covey says in his book The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness:

“If you want to make minor, incremental changes and improvements, work on practices, behavior or attitude. But if you want to make significant, quantum improvement, work on paradigms.”

In perspective of teachings of Dr. Stephen R. Covey, this current information or knowledge worker age have brought the new set of paradigms and tool-sets to get real success.  Because the old pattern of thinking has been replaced with new paradigms. earlier, a boss used to perceive any change in work or function as ‘problem’ but a leadership-style of paradigm does not see any change as the problem but only ‘opportunities’ to exercise creative energy and solution of many other unseen problems.

Throughout the history of mankind’s technology and ideas, old technological things and ideas were always replaced by new meanings and interpretations of phenomenal of events, things, and people. New knowledge(s) and sciences are emerging just because of change of thinking(s), perceptions and paradigms.

Einstein once told:

“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.”

Childhood experiences, misguidance, immaturity, and illiteracy are among main causes to have weak, unclear and wrong paradigms. We need to understand what we have experience in our personal and professional life, are just our own experience(s) which may be wrongly perceived and misconceived. Anyways, people still rely on their very thoughts. They do not even try to measure and evaluate it. People think that their ideas and definitions about people, things and events are very right and ‘do not try to disturb it’, excuse me! They assume it as their superiority over others. The culture of ego and arrogance may be active. Now question is that how people can know about the correctness of their paradigms. It is so difficult for people to identify and work on it, due to many mental and societal forces. However, I believe if people start to believe in ‘power of principles and natural laws’; that is the whole universe is governed by certain principles and laws and never things can happen beyond it, afterward people will try to guide their spirit and mind accurately, I believe. For example, to get money and material things are the real source of satisfaction and an individual’s social needs, are very common paradigms of people and they associate their happiness with it. But on the other hand, if we evaluate this notion of the principle of love and real meanings of life than this assumption of getting materials seems very weak and immature. Because true love and great ever-lasting inner satisfaction can only be achieved with unconditional love and attainment of material for the spirit of contribution and virtues only.

In multicultural places, people fight over racial and linguistics issues, and these are also mental images which they have about each other. Black man looks at the white man with prejudice because a black man may perceive them as arrogant. In opposite, a white man considers a black man as dirty, ill-mannered and ill-literate. When this attitude is multiplied by many people, community conflicts occur and so on. Similarly, an English man, sometimes, does not respect a Dutch because of ‘Nazis’ and German blame English because of their imperial colonialist approach and it goes on. I think that all world’s issues of differences get worse because of flaws in paradigms which they have associated with each other. It is true that all white, and black skin colors are not mattered of superiority but their strengths. Similarly, languages should not be the source of superiority but only their unique means of communication. I strongly believe that educator and researcher need to publish stuff for their nation in formally and informally about those wrong attitudes which transfer generation to generation is the result of inheriting paradigms.

People who drive their lives with positive thinking do construct their mental images with principles, systematic academic research, studies and reviewing sacred literature. We observe a number of people have the vision, passionate, disciplined in their physical life and with the conscience have always been proved quality thoughts and creative actions because there they have now sense to think and work accordingly and they have also the power to do against social mirrors. It is their constructed paradigms who fuel them enough to reject the path of mediocrity. Whereas principle based rightly guided paradigms leads leaders to the path of greatness. It is need of age. We need to self-determined our paradigms and throw away all prejudices and uncorrected patterns of thinking, the reason why a man is not the product of past, any racial agenda or genetic disease.


Divorces, Domestic Violence, In-Laws Issues, Leadership, Marriages, Personal Life, Professionalism, Self-Help, Synergy, The 3rd Alternative Solution

Healing the Marriage Life: Tragedy, In-Laws Issues, and the 3rd Alternative Solution

A family is a significant unit of any society. Family is a formal social contract in which a husband of a family and wife take the oath to live with each other with common family interests. Their reasons to be married may be; mutual financial benefits, physical need, religious obligation, children thirst, sharing wealth, home management and a life sharer. Nevertheless, I encourage a marriage couple can be seen in terms of synergy and a source of creating a 3rd alternative life in celebration of their differences or so-called conflicts. Marriage or family is so inter-connected with job and work of a complete person. If it gets disturbed then it will affect on your job eventually. I observed many professionals working and behaving poorly on workplaces are the outcome of stressful family life. Either they have problems or threats to be separated from the spouses or matrimonial annihilation is being undergone. I guess that much multinational cooperation and high ranked organization do consider spouses and children as their sub-employee or give them priority. Human Resource leaders believe that a complete employee cannot be extra-ordinary productive unless she or he would have been successful marital life. Therefore in coming discussion, I’ll unhide core situations in the marriage life.

One of tragedy of the world in every society is ‘divorce’ which is an outcome of serious insurmountable conflicts and counter-arguments from not only husband and wife but also from two different human worlds. A rough idea says that people living in US have divorce rate at critical height of around 50% [i] which means every second American is divorced. One of paradigm associated with these conflicts are the role of in-laws and families for a couple. Influence of parents, parents-in-laws, siblings, relatives, customs of families and social norms play crucial roles in shaking this beautiful relation of husband and wife. Socially, a person’s mind has images of their own childhood experiences, upbringing styles, media interactions, intra-family interventions, academic and professional exposure and it all from attitude of the husband and wife in deciding for difficult problems they facing. Whenever husband and wife perceive differences of each other as conflict and threats for them rather than opportunities to create a 3rd alternative and unique future, they become insecure and defend and start to justify their doings. To giving explanations and arguments become common practice. Hence they assume themselves as victims and live by narrow vision. First alternative opinion of husband clashes with second of wife and hence both go opposite and equal and in large magnitude usually. Generally, a weak Husband is recognized for his low-income, not giving time to wife and children and wife usually mis-perceives him in many situations, in addition, sexual incompatibility, unorganized house keeping and in-laws troubles become front issues. Husband and wife blame and complain each other everyday. The excessive misunderstanding and over-understanding bring lot of complications and ever-lasting fights. These acute tussles become chronic when no husband or wife is able to have sense to solve and think out of box. Both try to find solutions from 1st and 2nd alternatives and not the 3rd alternative. The 3rd alternative solution can be resourcefulness in bringing peace and harmony to every troubling couple. Couple should celebrate their differences and see differences as their unique endowments and not the errors or flaws. They become vulnerable and create negative synergy. Thankless, underestimating and mistrust allow them to feel insecure. Their reservations are their daily agendas and demand ‘do’ something immediately. Any delay or slow response is taken as a doubt. Both do insult, disrespect and hurt each other. In conservative and narrow visionary social settings, wife has very limited role and subjected not to allow any show of liberty, her ‘will’ and doing creative thoughts. Traditional home settings may be dis-empowering woman and husbands take benefit of this tragedy. Gender race is practiced and man usually wins over woman. Society considers a woman as weak, less-esteemed, non-productive, unemployed, less-rich and inferior in intellect than to a man. They assume intellect of a woman is as faulty by birth from nature. These believes and old tool-set followed by husband and in-laws of wife make her very limited and ineffective in a social context. Role of mother-in-law for a couple of play significant role in many cases. Moral, legal, spiritual and intra-family influence of mother of both wife and husband is taken as a threat in privacy, liberty and couple’s goals. Media is exposing many filmy and reality based TV dramas and subjects of movies are being broadcasted in terms of mother-in-laws and in-laws openly. A possessive and emotional wife does not like influence of mother-in-law and vice-versa. This situation gets worse and unaffordable when husband prefers his mother and siblings than of wife and vice-versa. Husband puts conditions of love to his wife for love with his parental family. This insecurity creates negative emotions, jealously and makes her bias in very discussion of parental families. Reactive husbands behave badly sometime in response and this fight continues and divorce looks like only hope of survival. In this condition Dr. Stephen R. Covey says “To solve our most difficult problems, we must radically change our thinking[ii]”.

Most concern stakeholders in result of separation of couple are children. Distorted minds, shattered personalities and psychological weaknesses of such children are their outcomes. As Dr. Covey says:

“Divorce affects more than a million children annually in the United States alone. The data show that children of divorce are more likely to suffer from discipline problems, psychological disturbances, lower academic achievement, and poor health”.[iii]

I know a brilliant but very disappointed and deep teen age boy of 12 who writes very sad poems and share it with others, for the reason of his separated parents. Since he has experienced harsh quarrels between his mother and father since his very childhood that’s why he is now such a boy who posses a tragedy & passive literature in mind all the time.

One of social dilemma of broken marriages is that no side is ready to accept or even listen the truth-slices from other side. In Dr. R. Covey’s opinion, these criticisms are very essential and important in order to get solutions. I know a family in which a semi-disable girl was married and her disability was hidden by her family and not communicated at time of marriage to husband family. After marriage husband soon knew this disability and did second marriage to someone. Husband could not divorce his first defected wife because of three children. On the other hand when she offended small crimes due to very mental illness, a series of quarrels in home was observed for many years. Ultimately, both families of husband and wife blamed each other for it and left each other permanently. Now they are separated because to not accepting reality of disability. Solution lies only within whether they will accept this harsh truth. It is all because of her mental disability was never communicated or admitted in-spite passing of 10 years of marriage. But future of those three children remained unresolved.

Many case show that week communication and misunderstandings between couples cause distressing results. Silence messages are either not understood or totally unintentionally ignored. On some situations both assumes that she or he is understood and it does not need any explanation as it is a common sense. This expectation creates a lot of complications because common sense is not a common practice. It may take several months and years that husband wanted to give quiet messages to his wife and wife never ever could able to understand it. This is also called communication gap. Both do not understand each and assume wrongly or weakly. This gap lasted for long and may cause more complications. Researchers have shown a clear proof that majority of separation of married people are due to weak or poor communication. Either they are uneducated enough to communicate their feelings or prejudice to listen each other. When communication is muted, all types of walls start to rise. In order to fall these walls, an empathic listening is needed. In this common situation Dr. Stephen R. Covey advises ‘First seek to understand then to be understood’[iv]. Actually when husband and wife listen to each other in a way that her feelings become of his and his troubles of her, then a straight line can connect their minds. This line will provide base to look into the partner. If both believe on any solution then they will come on a common. Because conflict is born when other side is not understanding or focusing on rising feeling. Now after empathy both husband and wife are source of love and care for each other and I am sure they will get through what ever the circumstances they would have in background.

Dr. Covey mentions shocking information: “wives and husbands who once had a passion for each other grow cold toward each other. The United States has the highest divorce rate in the world, at 40 to 50 percent of all first marriages. Russia is second, with the nations of northern Europe close behind. Even countries with low actual rates (usually because of cultural disapproval of divorce), “emotional separation” is far too prevalent.[v]

Possessive nature is a negative trait and should not be encouraged. Some people take it as signs of love, nevertheless, Person should always believe on sharing and not to block information, not jealousy and let not to bound spouse. This is in result of mind-set of ‘thing-paradigm’. When spouse starts to see his or her spouse as thing, not mind then spouse tries to occupy him or her like matter. When you shop mobile, it means you occupy it because mobile cannot do anything except depends how you treat with mobile and what you want to use mobile in any condition. Similarly when this attitude is transformed with spouses, obviously it is taken against dignity and freedom of man given by God. Conflict and resistance invoke. This resistance sometimes long lasted in such a way that bad consequence is happened, in form of low-trust, high ego and hence both fight or flight. A married couple is supposed to be combination of two mature humans. Human does believe in freedom of every person. In opposite case you will lose spouse or loved one in the end. Abraham Lincoln once said: The surest way to reveal one’s character is not through adversity but by giving them power.

Parents are most important and influencing relations for anyone in this world. After marriage, they also try to influence on couple because they think that they are young and with limited mind for discipline and balancing their lives. In modern era, wife never accepts this type of interferences. It causes tussle and typical in-laws issue invokes. Jealousies, baseless assumptions, wrong paradigms, negative thinking, reactive mind-set, socio-economic problems all are supplementary with it. So she perceives in-laws and mother-in-laws as hard people. Sydney Smith put it in this way

“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes in between them”.

In all dimensions, love of son with her mother and mother’s love toward his son is naturally and appreciable yet wife in many of stances is not able to admit. Hence, wife feels herself unsecured. Because she thinks that her in-laws have started to rule on her husband on account of siblings which will make his relation limited with her. She opines that now she cannot define his love towards husband because of husband family and she gets worried and frustrated. And whenever unintentionally she show this reservation to his husband, in many cases husband do not tolerate and consider this expression, an error in wife and this conflict continue. Ideally, husband should play a role in balancing between his siblings & parents and wife. He should clearly discuss about relations and their important in his life and wife also respond it positively. If wife wants to avoid any in-laws dispute then she should trust and follow her husband. She should see her in-laws with eyes of husband and vice-versa. Because due to bad social weather about in-laws issues, when they will see their in-laws with their bias eyes and less-information and weak vision, both could create new and traditional disputes time and again throughout life. For this I believe, both husband and wife should believe on realities and try to educate each other about their parental families in realistic way so that both should understand it without any negative or opposite comments.

In many part of world wife is mostly victim and oppressed. Societies of India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, China, and Korea have limited but important role of wife. In UK, USA and European countries, wives have all legal, social, work liberty and woman rights. In my view both sides are on extreme. Actually, both sides want to use women in their self-driven cultural context and hence both believe on restriction and liberty respectively. An ideal or good husband judges these differences and treats with his wife with different and creative thinking. He takes his wife in a different and unique one and let her to be apart from reactive culture. He wants to have a different set of believe and concept of greater family which will have quality and greater thoughts and acts beyond social paradigms. As far building a new and great family, they believe on unbiased approach, love for all and hate for none, power of initiatives to make strong relations with others and vision-based family life. They try to live and create such a harmless culture that they can able to practice an ideal life. This type of creative family is believe on empathic listening and also mission oriented life like a professional team and believes on synergy such as one plus one is eleven or even more. Husband and wife should celebrate their different thoughts, by mixing them and practicing them as creative and new things. They get beyond-expectation results in short time, huge lovely passion and also creative children. This is a success and voice of real family of this modern age.

In many of case ego does play a negative role in separation. Ego increases when trust decreases. Since husband and wife have the problem of low-trust than their inner pull let other spouse stay far away. At this position, not-sharing, dis-empowering, domestic violence and reckless behaviors are the results. Both wait to see each other to be initiative to shake hand and say sorry. If this sorry takes longer time then clashes get severe and more complex. I believe on stay ahead and take initiative to make high needs, only vision with less power. We create, mostly of quarrels due to ego and not to say sorry first. There should not be any harm or feeling inferior in accepting mistake first. This is dignity of man to show humility and down-to-earth.

In many societies, on account of gender race husbands and wives make clashes and show their superior gender differences. Superior or strong male and inferior or weak female are the continue fight and rigid paradigm in every society. I cannot say those women are like this. I admit woman are more emotional , sensitive, materialistic and in less-technical how know, beauty conscious, talkative, get jealous quickly, do comparison people and situations more frequently than that of men. Yet they are very fragile, agile, kind-hearted, beautiful, organizers, caring, and polite, great caring in hospitality at home than men. I feel that these characteristics should not only associate with men in generally rather than both man and woman are human beings, is the right paradigm and both are superior and have equal rights. Only wrong or bad doings and positive thoughts should make them superior or greater to each other. When husband and wife quarrels each other than their point of taunts and clashes are the gender prejudices also. We also need to see each other, beyond gender descriptions and see only as unique humans as wives do. As we are experiencing that woman are playing and show equal level of professionalism as men in every walk of life around the world today.

Low trust and distrust nature of spouses are bigger problems of marriage life. They find illegal and unfair social relation with opposite sex. Sharing bed, privacy and bad characteristics compel them to get either enmity and ask them for divorce. Extra marital relations based stories and media movies are products of this aspect of life. A true husband or loyal wife both can be betrayed, nevertheless, whole-hearted couple and ideal spouse die on each other at any time.

Conditional love is also source of dispute between husband wives. In this world, generally all wives love their husband because husbands love their wives and vice-versa. Because wives care children and their parental family therefore I love my wife. Because my husband love my parents and siblings and belonging that’s why I love my husband and because both have mutual conditional benefits that’s why both loves each other. This conditional love never lasted for long. Because true love always without conditions. Unconditional love of a father and mother towards his or her child is a bright example. Reality of this world shows that no wife and husband can fulfill expectations of each other. Hence love decreases. And it can lead a relation into parts.

Financial insecurity has been proved so far an increase of 4.5% divorces in UK year 2010. Psychologists observed that most of the root causes of quarrels between husband and wife due to low financial status. That’s why to live peaceful marriage life, career settlement and regular sources of income are words of mouth. Some people think that conflicts among couple belonging to elite and aristocratic social classes are very less. I believe that it should not a standard but only one of good reason to live peaceful married life. It is because of global financial stress is affecting almost every country and their social rest are getting at high risk. Rate of unemployment, robberies and corruption are their upshots. Therefore high rate of divorces are happening.

Big differences between families’ norms and customs commonly cause unrest for couples and also in-laws. Every established family may have different set of believes and way of understandings about role of husband and wives. When couple get marriage in out-of- family, chances of conflicts and low-trust are more than marriages in same-families, because people are very stick to their set-criterion, conservative and fix terms. Today, people have low temperament, aggression and high intolerance. People do not respect other differences and perceive as threats to their own self-made principles and social mirrors, hence, Parents-in-laws try to mold their wives mostly according to their own ways. Mostly self-esteem and sensitive wives refuse to live under pressure of in-laws and resistance rises. Rather than wives feel proud of their own parental family’s life styles, affiliation and good or bad traditions and they also want to continue it even in their joint in-laws home and it is taken as threat. Results sometimes are very negative in most of the cases. Again due to spirit of respect and lack of democratic approach, these situations make a married woman in very pathetic state. Family norms of both sides collide with each other and disturb so badly the relation of husband and wife. Wise husbands can be proved very resourceful in saving relationships and both families. Sometimes husband is able to evaluate his parental family and himself and his wife & her parental family without any prejudice. He handles the issues one by one and systematically like a goal. He talks to his wife and her parental family with care, love, compassion, logic and problems are patched-up.

High percentages of couple want to live in their own home separately and not with parents. Same like, gap between old parents and young couple increases and also wall rises throughout rest of life. This irony is biggest tragedy of last twentieth century, in my views. Clashes and generation gap cause psychological and social anxiety. When parents are separated from their married children, it is really emotional and sensitive on-going reality all the time in every corner of the world.

I have observed many couple taking their spouses as ‘thing’, not ‘mind’. Basically a human intellect is the function of mind. When opposite spouse start to treat you like he or she does not either trust on your thinking capacity and wants to only order and control the spouse, then a heavy resistance is seen in form of abusive and violent behavior. A person always wants to be understood because of that he or she considers himself or herself as mind whatever mental capacity or level is. This ‘thing’ paradigm is often seen not only in home life but also on work places. Basically in assessment of Dr. R. Covey ‘thing paradigm’ was an old approach, adopted in Industrial age. When a boss controls his employees like things that’s why negative culture is formed in office. On the other hand, ‘mind’ paradigm is more advanced and need of current information/knowledge worker age, in which a boss see his employee as mind and proactive and love culture are built. Similarly, a couple should respect each other in such a way that both admit their potential and always expect a creative and different and unique responses because creativity invites a mind to think out of the box and creative solution is the feature of people having unique intellect especially who believe to be different because of the 3rd alternative approach and four intelligences of body, mind, heart and spirit, as Dr. R. Covey let others to focus on it in his many books. As Drucker compares both ages like this:

The most valuable assets of a 20th-century company were its production equipment. The most valuable asset of a 21st– institution, whether business or non-business, will be its knowledge workers and their productivity[vi].

When girl and boy friends are succeeded in making marriages, a set of expectations after marriage and before is very different and unmanageable sometimes. Because of affiliated with different in-laws, financial needs, sexual balancing and children creation, marriage life have been proved very different experience for many married people. Love-marriages are commonly perceived as ‘fail marriages’ as compared to ‘arranged-marriages’. Because in love-marriage both husband and wife are willingly involved by heart unlike in arranged-marriage parents and siblings from both sides choose to bring bride and groom into their families. In trouble times, both type of marriage, solutions may be different. Because in arranged-marriage, severe quarrels between couple are resolved by involvement of both parental families successfully, unlike in love-marriage, no positive involvement from families is commonly seen for patch-up the relations. This is also tragedy because couples need to counsel themselves. Therefore love-marriages do fail due to societal attitude and also weak characters of husband and wife. In any case solution lies in the 3rd alternative and creative way of thinking for husband and wife to get a creative solution which was never existed before. Believe on one plus one is equal to eleven leads a unique couple into world of all possibilities as author Dr. R. Covey suggests best solution of most difficult problems of family life in his fresh book the 3rd alternative, Sept 2011. He forward a quote “where there is joy, there is creation” (_The Upanishads)[vii].

My source of inspiration in solving conflict management is also 3rd alternative. Because every person is unique and important, they should be respected and their different opinions and differences are sources to practice positive synergy. I strong suggest the reader to read new book of Dr. Stephen R. Covey: ‘The 3rd Alternative Solution’ for understanding problems and solutions of family life. Combination of different minds in creative ways of husbands, wives, in-laws and sibling can bring amazing and influential peaceful results in the families and hence whole society will be blessed and get influenced gradually. I inspire by God’s one of saying to mankind, ‘They (wives) are clothing (covering) for you and you for them….”[viii].

[ii] P-6, The 3rd Alternative, Dr. Stephen R. Covey, 2011

[iii] Alison Clarke-Stewart and Cornelia Brentano, Divorce: Causes and Consequences (New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 2007), 108.

[v] The 3rd alternative, solving life’s most difficult problems p-155

[vi] Drucker, Peter F., Management Challenges for the 21st Century (New York: Harper

Business, 1999), p. 135.

[vii] The 3rd Alternative, Dr. Stephen R. Covey, 2011

[viii] Quran Chapter 2, Verse 187